


Someday Maybe

by LoveIsLoveFckH8



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Dark Harry, Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, I Blame Tumblr, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Why Did I Write This?, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, more like harry in a dark place, trigger warning, wait no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 00:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3998995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveIsLoveFckH8/pseuds/LoveIsLoveFckH8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years. That was how long it took Louis to finally sort out Harry’s things. That was also the same amount of time it took for him to return to their house. THEIR house. Those words, once very dear, now felt foreign. Even after all this time, it still felt surreal. It was like he was in an endless recurring dream, one he still hopes to wake up from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someday Maybe

                Three years. That was how long it took Louis to finally sort out Harry’s things. That was also the same amount of time it took for him to return to their house. _THEIR_ house. Those words, once very dear, now felt foreign. Even after all this time, it still felt surreal. It was like he was in an endless recurring dream, one he still hopes to wake up from.

                He pushed on the big oak doors and took in his surroundings. The house looked so barren. Furniture still littered the living room, but was now covered with white sheet to prevent the dust build-up. The pictures that once hung on the walls were nowhere to be found, probably hidden to prevent damage from dust exposure. The walls that were once a warm and welcoming color were now faded, just like his heart. He chuckled to himself at this analogy.

                The walk up the stairs was fast in reality but to him it felt like an eternity. The sound of each step held an echo of a memory, a memory of happy times, and a memory of his once perfect life.

                He remembered how Harry had suggested that they get a lift for the house. Even with only three storeys, he argued that it was safer especially if one of them were to go home completely sloshed. He argued back that he would never let himself be too inebriated to guide Harry safely up these stairs. He remembered how Harry’s cheeks had colored with those words but at the same time had a smile on his face that was so radiant that he forgot what they were arguing about.

                He also remembered the time when they were both being complete nutters. He carried Harry across the threshold of their house after they had their ceremony. No, they did not get married or go into a civil partnership. Getting married would mean a marriage certificate which is a public document. They could not risk it and Harry said that they did not need a piece of paper anyway so they just had a little ceremony nonetheless to celebrate their love along with their family and close friends on their 3rd anniversary. He then tried to carry Harry again up the stairs but ended up straining his back upon the first three steps. Harry just laughed at him showing off his deep dimples but still proceeded to massage the pain away that night.

                Upon reaching the top of the stairs, he forced himself to stop his musings. This was not the time to reminisce. He did not have the time to become despondent. He just came out of a shell of his former self and remembering might trigger that again. So with that in mind he went straight to their room.

                The door made this creaking sound as he pushed on it. Like a premonition of something ominous. Scanning the room briefly, he saw that everything was as he had left it three years ago, the room in absolute chaos after he had channeled all of his aggression on whatever he could reach after he had heard of the news of Harry’s accident. The coppers went to their house that night and said that Harry’s car lost control in the motorway. They even said that witnesses said that it looked like the brakes did not work or it seemed like there was something wrong with the car’s accelerator. Harry had been involved in a head on collision with a sign on the motorway junction. They also said that the paramedics arrived but they were too late. The car caught ablaze a few seconds after the collision.

                Harry had said that he was going out to drive his black Range Rover around to think. He did not ponder a lot about it at that time because he knew that that was Harry’s thing. He drove when he wanted to think but he would share his thoughts with him after he had driven and organized his musings. He just waved at Harry while he was on the way out the door. He did not even kiss him goodbye like he used to because he thought that Harry would not be gone long. He was also busy with management at that time on his phone. They were telling him about his next public excursion with Eleanor. What he should do, where they would be going and even what he should wear. He had not really wanted to deal with them at that time but he argued to himself that he was doing it for them. He was doing it to protect them. Ha! Some protector he was. He shouldn’t have let Harry go out of the house that night. He never knew that that would be the last time he would see him.

                Being in the house again was starting to get to him. The boys offered to come with him today and he should have accepted even if he became a mess in front of them. Stupid pride… but he was here now and he knows that he should just get it over with and suck it up like a man.

                It was stated in Harry’s will that all of the things inside their room would go to Louis in case of his passing. They were talking about it as a joke before while they were drunk in that pub again in Wellington and were writing their “wills” on a couple of paper coasters. They shared almost all of their clothes anyways so if ever one of them went ahead of the other, the clothes would belong to the one who was left behind. Harry also joked that he would rather have Louis wear his Yves Saint Laurents because they would look hot on him and he would enjoy haunting him more if he was wearing his clothes. He did not have the heart to correct Harry that he would be the only person who would be able to pull off those glittery boots and shear blouses. He had almost forgotten that and was surprised when he heard that while Harry’s will was read by his solicitor. Harry had remembered their drunken ramblings and seriously placed it on his will.

                All of Harry’s other things and wealth were already previously divided among his family, friends and his chosen charities, which consisted mostly of children’s aid and LGBTQ+ support groups. Harry was meticulous and made sure that everything was distributed and that all of his friends and family would be well taken care off. The only weird thing written there was leaving all of the things in the room for Louis but maybe that was part of his lover’s eccentricities.

                He proceeded into the room and looked around. He brought a sharpie, post-its and a small box with him. He figured it would be easier to just arrange the things that he found in piles while placing the things that he thought were important and worth keeping inside the box. He stepped over the clothes strewn about the floor of the room. Thankfully someone was in the right state of mind when he was not and thought about cleaning the glass shards that were surely littered on the floor after his “episode”. He was also thankful that they did not touch anything else. Maybe that someone was Liam. He was his rock during that dark time of his life and he was sure that if not for daddy direction, he may have joined Harry already.

                He decided that he would check the drawers first. If they were still intact that is. The important things would be placed there. He looked at the dressing table and saw that only one of the drawers was thrown out. Hopefully nothing of importance was placed there. He just hoped that he’ll be able to find the contents of that drawer later. He rifled through the remaining intact drawers. The only things in the first drawer were a couple of hair brushes, a couple hair ties and a bit of Harry’s old bandanas. He did not know that Harry still had those. He had not seen him wear them in quite a while and he figured that Harry had grown tired of them. His lover still kept them so that meant that they were important thus those bandanas were going in his box.

                He then proceeded to check the second and biggest drawer and was surprised to find something wrapped in a blue bandana, the same one that Harry liked to wear around his neck. He gingerly picked up the package and was surprised to see that if felt a little heavy but firm; a book perhaps? He considered just putting it in the box but he figured that if it was wrapped up in Harry’s favorite bandana, then it must have been an important book. Curiosity got the better of him so he decided to open the parcel. He sat on the bed and gently placed it on his lap and started to undo the knots. He was taken aback when he saw the contents of the encasement. It was Harry’s journal.

He traced the words written on the cover of the diary.

 

_“She doesn’t deserve his heart. Let us love.”_

He remembered when Harry bought that diary. He said that he saw that in a Barnes and Noble on the way home. Harry had gone on one of his rides again but he decided to walk around before going back home. He had said that the drive was not enough. He needed more distractions. That day was the day that management suggested, more like imposed on him, he be seen with a beard. The Larry rumors were in full force during that time and management said that gay boy banders did not sell especially when their target audience were adolescents and pre-teens who fantasized that they might have a chance with them some day. He was the only one who was called by management but he immediately told Harry their plan. He also said that he agreed to their plan because at that time he realized that they had a point and that he was afraid of the backlash coming out would have caused. He expected Harry to react negatively but he did not get cross with him. He just went for a drive and returned with a paper bag from the book shop. He said that he thought about it and that he did not totally agree with their plan but because Louis already agreed then he could not do anything about it. He then consoled Harry and said that it would all be just an act and that Harry was still his only one. The next morning he saw the diary on top of their dresser with those words written on the cover. Harry might have not gotten angry directly at their management and him but he channeled his frustration on something else.

He never knew what Harry wrote in his memoir. He guessed it might have contained a bit of angry ranting, doodles or snippets of lyrics. Harry sometimes left it around the house but he respected his privacy so he never looked in it, but this time it was different. His lover had left all of the items of their room to his so that meant that this included this right? Maybe he wanted to share his thoughts with him so he said that in his will.

He flipped the pages to a random page and came across a picture of him cooking. Well his first and last cooking experience at least. He was taken aback by what he saw. At the side of the page the words **_chicken stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham with a side of homemade mash_** were written. What surprised him about this entry was that there was a big slash across the whole page. Made by several pen strokes; forceful pen strokes. At the borders of the page were a bit of writing that seemed to have smudged from droplets of liquid of some kind. Clear liquid which he hoped were not tears.

_“He made this for me. xx”_ The first line said. This was written in Harry’s elegant script while the following lines were written sloppily. Like the writer was shaking.

_Why? Why did they have to steal this too?_

_It’s not fair._

He remembered this day. He was asked by a reporter what was the most romantic thing that they had done for their partners. He immediately talked about this meal before he caught himself. He forgot that he had a girlfriend assigned to him by their management so they made him lie that he did it for her. Harry seemed pretty down about that during the entire day but he assured Louis that it did not bother him much and that he understood. He never knew how deeply that had affected Harry.

He flipped to another random page and saw the lyrics of the song that Harry wrote. He remembered that it was entitled “Just a Little Bit of Your Heart”. While reading down the lyrics he saw that a line was underlined.

**_ I know I’m not your only, but at least I’m one. I heard that a little love is better than none.  _ **

He had an idea that Harry had written this song for them. How he felt about their relationship when he was forced to spend less time with Harry and more time with his supposed girlfriend for PR purposes. He had used to tease Harry that he was getting jealous and he just replied that he was being a complete nutter. He should have seen that the bearding deeply affected Harry and should have put a stop to it sooner.

He closed the journal after seeing that page. He did not have the strength to read it any longer. He felt his heart breaking. Just how Harry had described heartbreak to him before, like all of the butterflies in his stomach had died.

He stood up, determined to get out of the house before he did something drastic. He figured he’d just call Niall and have him pick him up. He did not trust himself to drive back to his flat. He also did not trust himself to get into a cab because he would just direct the driver to a pub where he would get himself completely pissed, _again_. He would just return at a later date, or maybe never, he thought, when a slip of paper fell from in between the pages of the book. His name was written on one side of the folded sheet. He opened it and discovered it to be a letter from Harry dated the same day of Harry’s accident. He knew he should not read it lest it trigger another of his episodes but he thought that he owed his Hazza this. He knew that he would open the journal and would eventually find this letter that was addressed to him. Harry wanted him to read this. He carefully opened the letter afraid that it might shatter from the age of its sheets.

 

               

_Dear Lou,_

_If you are reading this now, then that means that I am not there anymore. I’m writing this on my way out. I don’t want to make a mess here in our house so I’m leaving; leaving you alone in the world; a world that we said that we would face together._

_I’m sorry love but I’m just so, so knackered; tired of all the hiding; being forced by them to pretend that I was someone else; denying who I really was. I felt like I was not really living. I’m sorry I’m being selfish Lou. I’m sorry that I’m a coward… but you know I was always the weaker one while you were always the strong one. You always had to sacrifice. You were the one called on to act like you had a long term girlfriend just to hide our relationship. People would notice if I did it because I am a poor actor. The thing is I also think that people also started to notice our relationship because of me. I am sorry but I just can’t help how I feel. I just do not understand why we had to hide. We did nothing wrong._

_I thought it was unfair but I thought that as long as I was with you I could go on because I had a purpose. You were being so strong for me so I knew I had to be strong too. I thought we were happy together and that what we had was enough but then I heard you say to Zayn that you thought there’s nothing left to fight for because all of this felt too much._

_I guess I was being selfish because I let you sacrifice so much for the both of us, and after hearing you, who was always so strong sound so defeated made me finally decide to go so you do not have to act strong anymore._

_Don’t be sad love, because I have the feeling that someday maybe, we’ll meet again when we’re different people. When we’re better for each other. When we’re just Harry and Louis. Maybe then we could be together. Just know that I’ll be going with hope. Hope that someday maybe, in another life, we’ll be given the chance. The chance to love who we love and not have to hide how we really feel. Someday, maybe we’ll have the chance to be free._

_Yours Always,_

_Hazza_

 

After reading the letter he crumpled into a heap on the bed and closed his eyes. He shuffled towards his side of the bed and faced Harry’s side. He cried until he was gasping and he hoped that he would lose breath and never open his eyes again if that meant seeing Harry’s side of the bed never empty again.

**Author's Note:**

> **Authors notes:**
> 
> _WTF did I just do?_
> 
> _I’m so sorry for doing that to Harry._
> 
> _I wrote this months ago when Elounor was still I dunno active(?) and Zayn was still in the band (that is why he was mentioned…) I saw this collage of Harry crying due to Elounor and this idea popped into my head. I wrote this on my phone but I never finished this. I only got the muse recently when I heard the song someday maybe (which is not mine) which broke my heart more._
> 
> _I am in no way condoning suicide nor do I want any of the boys to commit suicide. This is entirely a work of fiction. This was just a way for me to vent my feelings in relation to the picture that I saw. I would credit the person who did that collage but I cannot find it in my phone so if anyone has seen it (but I think there are many out there) please give me a shout out so that I could give proper credit._
> 
> _Also, this is not the first fanfiction that I have written (but I have not written in so, so long…) but this is the first one that I’m posting here on Ao3. This is my first one direction fanfiction though… so if any of you have any comments, corrections, and suggestions feel free to give them. Kudos too if you’d like._
> 
> _Thank you again for reading this._
> 
> P.S. I edited this BTW. The one that I previously uploaded had some parts missing...Shouldn't have used the html option... I don't know how to use html anymore. FML


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